As we continue to explore mindset, this session we have to take time to look at our own internal dialog. You may think that your internal dialog doesn't matter, how can we be so gullible as to believe things we are thinking in moments of extreme emotions? But self talk can be incredibly destructive. If we are talking ourselves down all day it will have an impact not just on how we feel but how we behave to others. Don't believe me? Think about the last time you got in a fight with a loved one who was very emotional or even intoxicated and they said something that cut you to the core. Even if they took it back immediately or you knew they were drunk, the words still sting deeply. Now just imagine what those words do when they come from yourself to yourself? The good thing about negative self talk is that it can be fixed. It will take some time, depending on how much you talk down to yourself, but it can be done.
Perhaps you don't think you talk down to yourself, but I assure you, unless we make a conscious effort to stop negative self talk, we all talk down to ourselves. The most common thing we say to ourselves is that we are stupid, idiot or some other insult to our own intelligence. It seems harmless, you break something, act quickly or speak out of turn and say “oh, I'm such an idiot.” While it feels harmless, it is incredibly damaging to your self esteem. I know this sounds like something extreme but try this instead, the next time you find yourself insulting your intelligence look for the reason why something happened. Are you in a rush or perhaps simply not understanding something because you need more time? Instead of calling yourself an idiot, say to yourself that you aren't getting it but you will. Overtime, this type of dialog not only brings us down but also shifts how we speak to others. When you don't respect yourself you in turn start not respecting others. If your self talk is negative so will your dialog with loved ones.
There are countless phrases and themes that go through our brains when we are talking to ourselves, and to try to list them all could get very cumbersome. Self dialog is also very personal. We all have our unique ways of communicating and certain phrases I use, you may never use. So instead we are going to focus on one theme of self talk that is the most damaging. One of the most powerful phrases in inner dialog is really just the phrase I am. I am [blank]. This phrase is powerful in that it sets a final tone, no room to move up or down from the phrase. Though it can be used positively, we often find it in negative self-talk.
I am is the phrase we go to whenever we are very disappointed in ourselves. Why were you not able to get the promotion, the trade, the girl, the house etc? Because I am [blank]. By decreeing yourself as a loser or an idiot or any other mean phrase, you are making a final statement. You aren't allowing yourself room to improve or get out of this spot, it is simply who you are. Instead allow yourself room to breathe and look at the reasons why, both that you can control and can not control. You didn't get the promotion because it wasn't a good fit, or there was politics involved, or there is something better for you coming. It isn't making an excuse but looking at the issue more objectively.
I have also heard of the trick of adding right now or acting to I am. I am acting like a loser right now, for example. For some people adding these phrases may work, but for me I find it doesn't do much for self talk. Just like it is very hard to edit your own writing because your brain corrects everything into what you were meaning to say, adding a few extra words to a toxic phrase is going to warrant the same response from your brain. That is to say, your brain is just going to ignore the right now and act and go right back to the negative phrase you were intending to say to yourself. So avoid the silly party tricks to try to reword your negative self-talk and get straight to the meat of the problem. This may take a mindfulness break or a few days to think through when the answer isn't immediately apparent. Avoid the temptation to go back to saying you are a loser or an idiot and look for the true and even reasons why something didn't go your way.
Once you find your reason you can add one more powerful element to your self talk, flipping the I am on its head. You didn't get the promotion not because you are a loser but because the company doesn't value you and now that you know this you can begin your search for a new job because I am worthy. Take the I am phrase and give it a powerful and positive command. I am worthy. I am strong. I am deserving of love. Whatever the phrase you need to hear, make this your new I am.
What did you think of our recent series on Mindset? Reach out to us at info@bullionite.com with your comments and questions.